Apples and Bananas: This kid needs a beating.

When my brother and I were younger, we used to get the SHIT beat out of us. I wasn’t scared of the boogey man and the Chupacabra wasn’t no thing. I was terrified of my Dad, however. The roles were split up between parents. Prior to my existence (we’re 8 years apart), my mom would occasionally smack my brother across the head with a shoe. There’s one or two times that I know of this taking place. So later, I came around….came into this world, and then my dad took over. Weapon of choice: belt or hand, depending on the severity/foolishness of the stunt I was trying to pull at the time. I know there’s parents out there (they’re probably white, and their kid’s name are probably Jennifer and John, sorry) that think that hitting a child is wrong and “mentally damaging,” but making your child terrified of you is necessary, and you better believe that I’m using this scare tactic on my child(ren) when the time comes. They’ll laugh about it when they get older anyway, like Nicolas and the rest of my family do now.

So, here’s a story: Once upon a time, in Cicero, Illinois..I lived in a house with a huge apple tree in the backyard. I was with my best friend (special shoutout, Fernando) at the time and we were bored, whatever, so we made up a game. Goal: Throw the apples as many yards away as possible. Fernando went first, two yards away, that ain’t shit. Now came the time to show off my pitching skills (another special shoutout, Orioles, number 13). I threw the apple three yards away, which so happened to be Fernando’s house. The apple also hit an old man right in the head, which so happened to be Fernando’s uncle. Freaked out, I ran inside and pretend this event never took place. The old man came over with the apple and told my Mom what happened. I begged her not to tell my dad because I felt that this was a belt situation-I really messed up. She agreed to it, but my brother was home..and of course he heard what had just went down.

**Now, quick background knowledge on myself: My first concert ever was Raffi in Davenport, Iowa. He sang that song, “Baby Beluga,” you know? Either way, I was obsessed with this man. Hell, I still like that song. An ex of mine even did this little remix to it using the “Laffy Taffy” beat, not kidding. Raffi’s other hit included “Apples and Bananas,” just sayin’.**

Back to the story. Basically, my brother found out that my Mom wasn’t going to tell my Dad and he blackmailed me for YEARS. I’m not exaggerating. I was enslaved to him for years. He would ask me to get him a Coke and if I said no, he would bust out into his own rendition of Raffi’s “Apples and Bananas.” Get it? Apples? I hit the old man with an apple? My Dad was clueless about it until years later, when I was in the clear of receiving any sort of punishment.

See, that’s the difference between this kid and I in my former years. He steals cars and tells the world that he likes to do bad things. I threw apples and feared my father’s wrath. The only similarity between us would have to be the whole childhood obesity problem, however. Too much McDonalds and Burger King for him, too much black beans, rice, plantains, yuca, and breaded steak for me.

Bonus Footage:”Apples and Bananas” It’s almost like my brother and I are living vicariously through this brother/sister duo!!!

I’m Creepy.

My boss had a hotdog with Bill Murray a few weeks ago. He didn’t get into specifics; all he said was “He’s a really funny man.” No shit? One might think of Groundhog Day or Ghostbusters, but the first thing that came to my mind was this clip and its all-star lineup. Oh, and I have an old man crush on Murray. I’m a total creep.

My Dude, My Man, My Buddy and Summer 2008.

Like I said, I’m still getting used to this site. I started this post a few hours ago, thought I saved it, but apparently didn’t. Let me try and remember what I wrote.

Earlier today, I skipped an hour long lecture regarding monopolistic competition and kinked demand curves just so I could sit in the library, I-chat with cuties and make good on a favor that I promised a friend of mine. The task: get his gear in line for Summer. Wardrobe staples of mine include deep v-necks (preferably white), dark denim, a few cardigans, a Nike or Northface windbreaker here and there, some little booty shorts and dresses..lots of them. Shoes- I won’t even attempt to dip into that. Really though, How can all this be translated into menswear? Even so, what do I like to see men wearing in general? Right now, if I could sum up what I’m personally feeling for these upcoming Summer months, I would call it something like “classic and preppy.” Actually, scratch the word “preppy” and replace it with “collegiate.” I’m liking how that sounds a little better. The color palette would consist of beige, white (especially if you have that Summer glow going on) with a sprinkle of paisley yellow and some other pastels. Also, replace black with navy. I could make outfits for days..believe me, but here are some items that I feel are necessary in a man’s closet for the Summer.

1. A package of Hanes V-Necks $10

This shit is NECESSARY. Save the 20 dollars you spent on 1 American Apparel shirt and spend it on a package of Hanes plain whites. They’re made of thicker material, I think I’ve seen a commercial with Michael Jordan in it and there’s also something like 5 shirts in one package. You’ll look put together whether it’s worn under a button down or simply straight solo. Worried about chest hair? Let that shit peek through, it’s sexy anyway.

2. Polo Ralph Lauren Classic Bi-Swing Windbreaker $125

One of my top 5 favorite brands. This is my absolute favorite jacket for a man. I can settle for the navy, but first choice by far is the khaki joint (pictured below.) Men, take a breather from buying your super exclusive, only 10 made, all-over print 50 dollar tee and invest in this piece. Dress it up with a button down, dress it down with a v-neck underneath. Can you see how this is all coming together?

3. Sperry Top-Sider Boat Shoe $65, Vans Classic White Shoe $65

Here are two different takes on a basic white shoe. I was going to put up a pair of white leather Air Max 90’s, but for my friend’s sake, I won’t. My dad has worn boat shoes for as long as I’ve been on this earth and with Vans, you can literally just buy them in bulk. I’m pretty sure I heard my friend mention that he wasn’t into the Vans, so hopefully I can squeeze him into a pair of boat shoes, even if they aren’t white Sperry’s. I’m thinking brown.

4. Ralph Lauren Slim Custom-Fit Chino $98

I’m skipping shorts all together because I think only a few men can actually pull them off. I also don’t think I’ve ever seen my friend in a pair of shorts, so let’s just stick with this. I picked these navy chinos because I think the length on them is perfect. I know he’s been wanting a short, more tapered leg for his Summertime look, so here you go. I found them. I’m the shit. I actually think this model is pulling together the entire look quite nicely.

There you go, TB.

Same Shit, Different Location.

Did I just go through a crazy ass divorce/custody battle? I could’ve swore that I was fighting for the custody of a child and not for a spot on the world wide web. Whatever happened has happened and although I lost all my previous posts (and comments) in the good fight, I at least found a way to keep the name…so there, WordPress: this is currently what’s up. This site is a little bit more technologically advanced that I’m used to, so excuse the weird business-like appearance and give me a little bit of time to get used to the features. Man, I just want my logo at the top, ya know?