You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2008.
2008, the year of indifference. Because I’m completely unaffected by New Years Eve, I found myself looking for a dress at 8:00pm last night. I came out of Nordstrom with a cape (a fucking cape!) and tights, but no dress. Erica came out of Bebe and Guess with nothing, no dress, not even an accessory (which I’m secretly grateful though because those two brands are cheap and trannylicious. Sorry Erica!) Anyway, it’s no surprise that Forever21 bites off of every designer and sells the pieces at a fraction (I’m talking 1/25, and I am in no way hating) of the price, so sometimes when I’m bored at work, I like to browse the site and see what pieces I can pick out, etc. I played the game earlier this morning and came up with this little gem, sorta. I don’t know who designed the dress, but if you want to look like Britney Spears when the clock strikes 12 tonight, peep and purchase this dress for 27.80. Pink bra and panties not included. As for myself, I still don’t know what I’m going to wear. Probably that sapphire blue silk dress I wore the night my head was bashed in with a glass. Happy 2009!!!!
i think its that time of the year.
bonus classic for this weather.
get your swagger up.
I love a lot of things. I love hot cocoa, I love Snuggies (the blanket with sleeves), I love s’mores, I love the thought of getting bangs (and possibly executing that thought later on tonight), I love J Crew’s Winter sale that’s going on right now (extra 20% off today), I love Law and Order: SVU marathons, and I love finding sampling sources. I don’t know if that’s what you call them, but someone put all the original songs from Wu Tang’s 36 Chambers into a nice, neat, zip package for all of us to enjoy. Download the file HERE and peep the tracklist below:
1. Melvin Bliss “Synthetic Substitution”
2. Syl Johnson “Different Strokes”
3. Thelonious Monk “Black and Tan Fantasy”
4. New Birth “Honey Bee”
5. Lonnie Liston Smith “Spinning Wheel”
6. Gladys Knight & The Pips “The Way We Were”
7. Labi Siffre “I Got The (Blues)”
8. The Honey Drippers “Impeach The President”
9. Lafayette Afro Rock Band “Hihache”
10. The Charmels “I’ll Never Grow Old”
11. Lightin’ Rod “Sport”
12. Zapp “More Bounce To The Ounce”
13. Hall & Oates “Method of Modern Love”
14. Gordon Lightfoot “Sundown”
15. Lowell Fulsom “Tramp”
16. The J.B’s “The Grunt”
17. Sly & The Family Stone “Sing A Simple Song”
18. Albert King “Cold Feet”
19. Wendy Rene “After Laughter (Comes Tears)”
Here he is trying to get away with the money he was paid for the senate seat.
If God does exist then I’m for sure going to hell because Dec. 25 has always been my masturbation marathon day on account of the world shutting down. Naylin Paylin is first porno on the docket for tomorrow morning followed by Saving Ryan’s Privates, Little Miss Funtime, and Cum Fu Panda. Cum Fu Panda does not involve actual pandas or animation; but there is a scene when Belladonna throws a baseball bat up her vag while she shags balls- I love baseball.
On account of my epic boredom I will answer Sex questions from some readers. These questions were sent to some women’s sex magazine that I “cough, cough” do not read; but I choose to help these women with my male expertise. Hopefully this will save me from the ongoing torpor of the season.
QUESTION #1
Q: My dog constantly barks when I’m having sex. It’s so annoying and a bit of a turn-off and I don’t know what to do. If I put him in another room he barks even louder. My guy recommended we keep the puppy on the bed with us during the act but that kind of creeps me out. Is it weird that my guy is cool with that?—Sick Of The Yelping, New York, NY
Dump this freak. This guy wants to fuck with a puppy in the bed; ewwww. I don’t know who PETA hates more right now this guy or Vick. This reeks of bestiality. It’s like he is easing this chick into a threesome with a free range chicken or a Mexican burro. You have two choices: 1- Dump him while laying naked in bed petting your puppy. Or 2- By a Scooby Doo costume and let him hit it (all together now) doggy style.
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QUESTION #2
Q: My husband and I have tried having wall sex and shower sex (facing each other, missionary-style, etc.) and I think they make it look much hotter in the movies. Either that or my quads are just weak – what exercises will improve the fun of sex standing up?—Unstable in Boston, MA
You sound fat Miss Unstable. You want to improve “stand up” sex…this reeks of a gilded Lilly. It like putting frosting on frosting; just thank your lucky stars some other degenerate found his way into your maternity sized pants. Shut up, lay face down, and bury your head in a pillow while your ugly boyfriend makes you a woman. You should be lucky your fat ass is having sex; stop wishing for more than you can handle.
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QUESTION #3
Q:“I’m prone to UTIs. Is it possible for my husband to get them too? Every time I’m on the verge, he claims to get tingly and itchy too.”—Itchy & Scratchy, Atlanta, GA
Yes guys can get a UTI….it hurts like a bitch, I should know I have been afflicted with severe UTI on multiple occasions from random bar whores. I was in the ATL two weeks ago Itchy and Scratchy; fuck, I think you gave me the UTI. You said you were single and that you “didn’t usually take guys home from the bar,” fuck you, you lying whore; I hope your vagina falls off.
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QUESTION #4
Q: “Some guys can have sex several times in a row, while others need a few hours in between sessions. What might account for this variation, and is there a way for guys to make it so that they can increase not only stamina during sex, but decrease the amount of recovery time they need in between sessions?”—Ready For Another Round, Boston, MA
Variation depends on two things chemicals and the hotness of the woman. The hotter the woman the greater my stamina will be. If you are ugly a guy won’t really care, he will just bust and run. But if you’re hot he will go all out; and not for your pleasure, but in the hopes that you will tell your other hot friends about his virility. But chemicals, drugs and alcohol, supersede beauty. Semi drunk guys can go all night regardless of the girl’s hotness or hideousness. During a black out drunk the penis becomes Beetle Bailey no matter how hot the slut is. So there you go you nympho; either you become hotter of get him tipsy.
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I don’t know, nor do I care if y’all are familiar with Chef Gordon Ramsey; but I am and I love him. With that in mind, the following videos made my day.
Thanks
Apple did not reflect the shitty weather we would be having until hours after. Good thing my dog, Coconut Gutierrez is better prepared for this weather than I am.
Come to Smith’s Night tonight for stiff-drinks and Manchester’s best.
1951 W. Dickens Ave.
Chicago, IL 60614
BRING CASH.
…One more because I’m not that annoyed today:
